A hysterical translation of Facebook’s terms of service from legalese to vernacular provided by Slacktory (see Play Nice, B*tches, ht Gene).

The Entire Facebook Terms of Service in Bro Speak

The Facebook Terms of Service is a b*tch to read. So we translated it into a more familiar vernacular (with a lot of swearing). You can also read it in parts. Everything from here on out is from Facebook. Kinda.

We use English, b*tches. Yeah, we translated it for some of you, but if the translation says anything different at all, English rules. So if you’re not reading this in English, technically none of it matters. Just FYI. Also, you foreigners should check out section 16, f*cking stat.

We last f*cked with this: April 26, 2011.

Statement of Rights and Responsibilities

All these rules are based on some other rules we have that aren’t really rules so much as guidelines. These rules, though, are the real rules, and they say what you can and can’t do on Facebook, and what we can and can’t do with your sh*t.  We treat your use of Facebook exactly like college athletes treat silence – consent, motherf*ckers.

1. Privacy

We give lots of f*cks about your privacy, so we wrote this. Read it, so you know what the f*ck we’re going to do with the sh*t you post, so you’re not all “Facebook, I had no idea!” when your sh*t is in our press releases. That way you know the deal when you’re deciding what to post...continue reading

Wonderfully rich exposition of the economic competition between China and the U.S. from The Economist (see China Overtakes U.S.).

Constant worrying about exactly when the superpower will fall into second place is causing anxiety throughout American society…[but] in some important fields, China has already surpassed America.

Great stuff!

BNET recently published a follow on to its Business Blunders of 2010 (to see last year’s list see Business Blunders of 2009). The list was amusing again this year. Some highlights:

Mistake #3: Cruise Visits Haiti Beach

Despite the chaos gripping nearby Port au Prince, Royal Caribbean Cruises forges ahead with plans to drop vacationers at its private beach in Haiti in the aftermath of the devastating earthquake that killed more than 200,000. An article in Advertising Age says the company’s brand could suffer “lasting damage from the visuals of mostly white vacationers frolicking in the sun … while only 60 miles away thousands of people are fighting over food and water.” A headline in the New York Post sums things up even more succinctly: “Ship of Ghouls.”

Mistake #5: Dell’s Customer Service

Documents from a lawsuit against Dell unsealed by a federal judge in November reveal that, after shipping nearly 12 million potentially defective computers equipped with faulty capacitors from 2003 to 2005, the company had provided its sales force with instructions that included pointers such as “Don’t bring this to customer’s attention proactively” and “Emphasize uncertainty.”

Mistake #20: Fraudclosure Gate

As officials from all 50 states investigate shortcuts taken by banks in repossessing hundreds of thousands of homes, it becomes clear that the workers handling the foreclosures were often less than qualified. Among other telling details, a Wells Fargo employee testifies that she was signing 300 to 500 foreclosure documents per day without bothering to read them; a firm hired to review documents for Citigroup and GMAC is found to have outsourced the work to companies in the Philippines and Guam; and at JPMorgan Chase, in-house hires were so wet behind the ears that they were referred to internally as “Burger King kids.”

Mistake #22: AT&T Touting its Network Coverage

AT&T sends out a “Special Message” to its wireless customers, thanking them for their business and highlighting the company’s $18 billion investment in its network. Unfortunately, the e-mail also contains a link to AT&T’s Facebook page, which its loyal customers visit in droves to, um, return the thanks. “AT&T is the worst feature of the iPhone and the reason I want to throw mine against the wall on a daily basis,” writes one fan. “I’m only sticking out my contract because I don’t have the money to pay a termination fee,” says another. “Service in Alabama sucks!” says a third, adding: “Seriously though, f### you!” Gushes yet another: “I hate ATT!!!!!!!!”

Mistake #27: Tony Hayward Handling the Gulf Crisis

Two months and roughly 3 million barrels of spilled crude into the Deepwater Horizon oil rig disaster—and fresh off criticism for saying “I’d like my life back” after the accident had cost 11 workers theirs—BP CEO Tony Hayward adds insult to injury by spending the day off the Isle of Wight aboard his $270,000 Farr 52 racing yacht. Stunned reactions to the sailing holiday from environmentalists, U.S. government officials, and Gulf Coast residents range from “insulting” to “the height of arrogance” to “man, that ain’t right.”

Mistake #28: Dow Jones Sustainability Index

In June, at the height of the Deepwater Horizon oil spill, BP is removed from the Dow Jones Sustainability Index, a measure that tracks the financial performance of firms hailed as “the leading sustainability-driven companies worldwide.” Three months later, after a “thorough analysis of corporate economic, environmental, and social performance,” BP’s replacement in the index is announced: Halliburton,the scandal plagued war contractor once run by global warming denier Dick Cheney. Halliburton had been responsible for cementing the seal of the well that had catastrophically blown out at the bottom of the Gulf of Mexico.

There are other good ones in there. To see the full list, click through to Business Blunders of 2010. Some funny stuff!

The below is an actual academic article published in 1974, …with the referee report appended at the bottom (ht Gary). Don’t miss reading the referee report. It’s brilliant.

See, we academics have a sense of humor sometimes too…

Came across hysterical illustrations of the influence of the laws of physics on our everyday lives in the New York Times (see Unpopular Science, ht VP).

For example, the author demonstrates how two objects might perceive time differently.

“Based on supercomplicated physical observations, Einstein concluded that two objects may perceive time differently. Based on simple life experience, I have concluded that this is true.”

There are many more where that came from. Check out the rest of the illustrations by clicking on the link – Unpopular Science.

Enjoy!

This has been making the rounds recently (ht, Gene). Hysterical!

click on the picture for a larger, sharper image.

A bit crass? Sure. But so funny I just couldn’t resist!

File this under funny…

The Economist ran a brilliant (the sad but true kind of brilliant) article last week about the increasing meaninglessness of job titles (see Too Many Chiefs). Their take-away: “Inflation in job titles is approaching Weimar levels.”

Kim Jong Il, the North Korean dictator, is not normally a trendsetter. But in one area he is clearly leading the pack: job-title inflation. Mr Kim has 1,200 official titles, including, roughly translated, guardian deity of the planet, ever-victorious general, lodestar of the 21st century, supreme commander at the forefront of the struggle against imperialism and the United States, eternal bosom of hot love and greatest man who ever lived.

When it comes to job titles, we live in an age of rampant inflation. Everybody you come across seems to be a chief or president of some variety. Title inflation is producing its own vocabulary: “uptitling” and “title-fluffing”. It is also producing technological aids. One website provides a simple formula: just take your job title, mix in a few grand words, such as “global”, “interface” and “customer”, and hey presto.

The rot starts at the top. Not that long ago companies had just two or three “chief” whatnots. Now they have dozens, collectively called the “c-suite”. A few have more than one chief executive officer; CB Richard Ellis, a property-services firm, has four. A growing number have chiefs for almost everything from knowledge to diversity. Southwest Airlines has a chief Twitter officer. Coca-Cola and Marriott have chief blogging officers. Kodak has one of those too, along with a chief listening officer.

…The number of members of LinkedIn, a professional network, with the title vice-president grew 426% faster than the membership of the site as a whole in 2005-09. The inflation rate for presidents was 312% and for chiefs a mere 275%.

Although I believe that title inflation is a real phenomenon, I’m not sure that citing the growth in vice-president, president, and chief titles listed on LinkedIn over the period 2005-2009 is the cleanest evidence of such (however clever). It could just as easily indicate that senior officers who were reticent to join LinkedIn in the early going finally recognized its value and joined en masse later in the game.

But back to the article:

What is going on here? The most immediate explanation is the economic downturn: bosses are doling out ever fancier titles as a substitute for pay raises and bonuses.

Not sure that’s quite the right explanation. Although the downturn has probably fed title inflation, I doubt bosses have been systematically doling out fancier titles in lieu of pay. They haven’t had to. After all, who’s going to leave the firm in this market??

Rather, my hunch is that it has just as much to do with displaced workers being forced into becoming chief of their very own micro (single person) enterprise. That, and an increasing trend toward independent contracting (explanations that are not mutually exclusive).

I would have been more willing to buy the “bosses are doling out ever fancier titles” to try to manipulate an employee’s sense of worth within the organization. After all, title inflation is not a new phenomenon. It’s an increasing trend that predates the financial crisis, and even the dotcom era.

One of the oldest jokes floating around the financial industry for as long as I can remember is that “Everyone’s a VP at a bank.” And part of the fun during the high-tech/dotcom era was watching the titans of this new industry eschew traditional titles while, at the same time, mocking convention. So I found myself disagreeing with the author’s assertion that:

The American technology sector has been a champion of title inflation. It has created all sorts of newfangled jobs that have to be given names, and it is also full of linguistically challenged geeks who have a taste for “humorous” titles. Steve Jobs calls himself “chief know it all”. Jerry Yang and David Filo, the founders of Yahoo!, call themselves “chief Yahoos”. Thousands of IT types dub themselves things like (chief) scrum master, guru, evangelist or, a particular favourite at the moment, ninja.

Rather than engaging in title inflation, if anything, by adopting quirky titles, I think the chieftains of tech are really just calling “Bullshit” on the whole title inflation charade.

But my nitpicking aside, I encourage you to take a read of the whole article. Hysterical!

Just returned from a visit to Iceland, …hence the radio silence. Was there for a few days of work, followed by a few days of pleasure.

What an amazing place. The country is absolutely stunning in its beauty. And the people are absolutely wonderful. I can’t wait to go back.

That said, it’s sad, really, that the majority of Icelanders don’t seem to understand the full gravity of the debt problems that they currently face (for background see here). If they decide to go along with the current debt repayment plan they will have to accept years of sub-par growth at a minimum, and potentially, live through a few years in which they teeter on the verge of default. Refusal to pay now, however, could quickly propel Iceland into economic crisis as foreign credit dries up and hard currency becomes scarce.

What a mess!

Personally, I think that in voting down the most recent Icesave Referendum, Iceland is trying to play hardball with the UK and the Netherlands, hoping it will lead to a more favorable negotiated settlement while convincing them to shoulder some of the burden for the outstanding debt.

I hope they (the Icelanders, Brits, and Dutch) can work it out.

If not, that would make my movie choice on the flight over somewhat ironic. I found it interesting that Iceland Air would even offer “Wall Street” for its passengers as an in-flight option; but ironic how, for Iceland, Bud Fox’s sales pitch touting “extraordinary opportunities emerging in the international debt markets” might desperately be put to use.

Abu Dhabi Hotel Installs Gold Vending Machine (ht, Gene):

There’s no mistaking what’s in this vending machine. The well-heeled in the Gulf can now grab “gold to go” from a hotel lobby in the United Arab Emirates, when the need for a quick ingot strikes.

On Thursday, a day after its inauguration, the shiny machine attracted spectators of many different nationalities who gathered to watch whenever an enthusiast was struck with the urge to splurge on a bar of the precious metal.

Abu Dhabi’s Emirates Palace Hotel became the first place outside Germany to install “gold to go, the world’s first gold vending machine”…

When I saw the headline I had to do a double-take. I was convinced it was an article from The Onion. But then it struck me, “Holy Cow, this thing’s for real!”

Too funny.

From the humor category, BNET recently published its list of Business Blunders of 2009. Some were amusing. For example:

Mistake #3: The “Smart Choice” food label

In August, 14 of the country’s largest food companies — including PepsiCo, Kellogg’s, Kraft, and General Mills — join forces to launch a multimillion-dollar food-labeling program, dubbed “Smart Choices,” to guide consumers in selecting nutritious foods amid the nation’s obesity epidemic. Soon, however, the program’s green checkmark logo is seen popping up on jars of fat-laden mayonnaise and boxes of Froot Loops cereal, a product that lists sugar as its top ingredient. In October, after the FDA announces plans to crack down on misleading labeling, the program is voluntarily halted.

Mistsake #5: IBM offers foreign assignments to its laid off employees

IBM lays off thousands of North American workers, and then gives them the opportunity to apply for similar jobs in countries such as Brazil, India, Nigeria, and Slovenia — if they’re “willing to work on local terms and conditions.” Big Blue magnanimously offers to help with moving costs and provide visa assistance.

Mistake #6: Unions firing their own employees

The powerful, 1.7-million-member Service Employees International Union announces a layoff involving 75 national field staffers and organizers. The union representing those employees, the Union of Union Representatives, quickly files a complaint with the National Labor Relations Board, accusing the SEIU of engaging in unfair practices such as unilaterally laying off UUR members without proper notice, outsourcing their jobs to non-union workers, and selecting workers for layoffs “because of their [UUR] membership and/or activities.”

Mistake #12: Now here’s an incentive

In July, jobless citizens seeking benefit information from the Web site of the Brazilian Labor Ministry must type in the passwords “shameless” and “bum” to access the relevant details. The ministry blames the prank on a private Internet security firm whose contract with the government had not been renewed.

Mistake #20: Now this is REO

After a couple hit by the Bernie Madoff ponzi scheme is forced to surrender its $12 million beachfront home in Malibu, Calif., to Wells Fargo, neighbors notice something odd: a large party being thrown in the presumably vacant house. After an investigation, Wells Fargo admits that the house was being used by an employee, identified by the Los Angeles Times as Cheronda Guyton, a senior vice president in charge of foreclosed commercial properties. The employee, who neighbors say had been spending weekends at the house with her family, is fired for violating bank rules against personal use of bank-owned property.

There are some other good ones in there. To see the full list, click through to Business Blunders of 2009. Some funny stuff!